How To Feel More Connected
From lonely to nourished in a few simple, shameful steps
A couple of years ago, I came back from a holiday with friends feeling really lonely. I’d known these guys a long time and would have called them my best friends, but I spent the return leg of the EasyJet flight unable to shake a feeling of being unseen, the odd one out, disconnected.
When I got home, I resolved to spend time digging into this feeling of disconnection, and attempting to replace it with it’s opposite. Connection to other people nourishes the deepest parts of us. What could be more important?
Now a couple of years into my intentional connection efforts and feeling closer than ever to family, new and old friends, and myself, I thought I’d share what has and hasn’t worked for me.
Wait - isn’t it a bit weird to be intentional about this stuff? Aren’t connections just supposed to happen?
Maybe, for some people. I felt a bit of shame when I first thought about improving my friendships and feelings of connection as a project to be worked on. I felt like this should all just happen, we should just be able to find our people, and the relationships should just flow, and we should just end up with rich, deep relationships that really work.
But that wasn’t happening for me, and I wanted it. So shame be damned. ‘Feel connected’ became a goal, and seeking out and nurturing nourishing relationships became a project. Maybe it’s a personality quirk of mine, maybe it’s a sign of the times, maybe it would work for anyone anywhere. It’s important, it’s not happening on it’s own, why should I feel shame about making it happen?
How to get better at connection
Intention
Making connection intentional has been the number one thing that’s moved the needle. I’m no longer leaving such an important thing to chance. I embraced becoming a midwit when it comes to connection.
The Icky Audit
Which relationships in your life nourish you? Which drain you? Who would you love to spend more time with? Which relationships help you live your values?
I could have given rough answers to these questions, but I wanted more. So I audited my relationships in a structured way - and I recommend you do, too.
Yes, it feels weird putting numbers next to names. Take solace in the fact that you are not rating people, you’re rating how you feel in relationships with people. You are trying to help yourself to understand where to spend time and energy.
List out the people in your life and the people you have a hunch you’d want in your life, and come up with a few things that matter to you in relationships. For me these were:
Seen - how much do they seem to see and know the real me? How authentic am I in this relationship?
Energised - how energising or energy-sucking is this relationship?
Value/goal alignment - is this relationship well aligned with how I want to live?
Learning/motivation - does this relationship teach or motivate me?
Comfort - how comfortable do I feel in this relationship?
Then put some numbers next to names. The exercise isn’t one of strict prioritisation - it’s there to help you think intentionally about the relationships in your life and the ones you’d like to be in your life. For example, I started to see that some of the relationships I was most comfortable in I also felt least seen in, or I realised I felt super energised by some people I’d not made the effort to hang out with in a long time.
What you do with this insight is up to you. I added a ‘notes’ column and wrote a quick line reflecting on the scores and giving me a ‘next step’ for the relationship.
Taking the lead
You are going to need to get comfortable taking the lead in relationships. This could mean being the first to call or text, being the one that suggests hanging out, being the host or organiser. This might feel scary or even needy, but it works.
You’ll also need to take the lead in trying to be a great connection. Relationships don’t work if you’re just trying to get something out of them. You need to show up as a great friend or family member. Full attention, sympathetic ear, helping them to feel and do all the things you want to feel and do from a great relationship - and some of the things that aren’t important to you.
You’ll also need to stop taking the lead in some places. You need to make space for nourishing relationships by spending less effort on the ones that don’t nourish. Stop trying as hard with the people that for whatever reason aren’t lighting you up in this phase of your life. Stop chasing. Let go
Armed with your insights from your audit and ready to take the lead in being a great connection, you can start to take the lead in the connection itself. Reach out, suggest, organise. Things don’t just happen.
Add structure
If you’ve not already got the ick from the audit and taking the lead, here’s a third potentially troublesome thing that hugely helps me in building and tending to connection: structure.
As someone with ADHD, structure helps me get things done and live the life long-term me wants to life, not just the life short-term me comes up with minute to minute. Building connection is something long-term me craves, so I’ve built structure around it, and it’s worked fantastically well.
Personal CRM - Clay
I’ve been using Clay for the last 6 months, and it’s been transformational. It’s a personal CRM - a tool that sets up a record for everyone you know and helps you stay connected with the people that matter. I was using Notion for this purpose but it was super manual. After an intense onboarding, Clay makes it really easy by reminding you to connect with people you’ve starred and inviting you to reflect on other relationships you have
Structuring the connection habit
Every day, my to-do list reminds me to connect. Ticking this off isn’t an exact science - calling my Mum might do it, or inviting some friends down for a weekend by the sea, or going to a gig with some of my nearest and dearest, or even responding to a tricky WhatsApp message i’ve been sitting on for a while. But it gets ticked off every day, and each time it does I know i’ve done something to nourish a relationship.
Other things that seem to help
Intention, structure and taking the lead have been the top 3 things to help me build connection, but there are a few other little tips and tricks worth sharing:
Hosting lets you bring people together, and remove some of the barriers to hanging out. You also get to help set the tone and structure - suggesting a hike and lunch with families rather than a lads only big night out, for example.
Become a card person. For the first 30 years of my life, cards were limited to Christmas and the birthdays I remembered. Now somehow I’m a card guy. Birthdays aren’t missed, ‘Thankyou’s are physical, and celebrations require stamps. They feel good to send and even better to receive.
If you’re thinking of someone, let them know. Spot something that brings someone to mind? Share it with them. Reminiscing about a great memory with a friend? Get in touch. Don’t make it a big thing. Build the muscle and make it a habit to create these tiny moments of connection whenever there’s an opportunity.
Groups can deliver huge amounts of connection ‘bang for your buck’. A group dinner or getaway (obviously) gives chances of connection with more people than a 1:1. Just make sure there’s opportunities to go deep with people.
A few words of warning
You need to feel this stuff out. Structure shouldn’t drown out spontaneity. Hosting shouldn’t stop you from travelling to see people . The point of the audit isn’t to decide to deprioritise your Mum and Dad. Make it work for you. Just realise that it’s so, so worth putting the effort in.